Sunday, August 22, 2010

Poopface The Third

Today I realized that people actually get paid to write the cutesy sayings inside of greeting cards. A lot of cards are written by freelance writers and it's possible to make enough to pay a month's rent off of a single card idea.

So now I'm sitting here trying to come up with charming/witty greetings to send off into the ether in attempts to make some extra cash.

Unfortunately, right now I can't think of anything other than horribly insensitive birthday cards.

For example:

(Outside) Happy Birthday... (Inside) YOU'RE OLD!

(Outside) Birthdays happen every year (Inside) And then one day, you will die

(Outside) You're older than you've ever been (Inside) AND NOW YOU'RE EVEN OLDER!

The last one isn't even original. I stole it from a They Might Be Giants song.

Maybe I'll write Bar Mitzfah cards instead?

(Outside) Happy Bar Freaking Mitzfah (Inside) May your day be full of Jewishy goodness

(Outside) Who is undergoing puberty and looks hawt in a yamulka? (Inside) YOU!

Okay, those won't do. Maybe I'll write Valentine's Day cards?

(Outside) Roses are red, Violets are blue... (Inside) Screw it, I'm bad with poetry. Will you be my Valentine?

(Outside) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH (Inside) SO LET'S DO IT!

*sigh* I don't think writing Valentine's Day cards will be my niche.

I was thinking of moving on to Christmas cards or Talk Like A Pirate Day cards or maybe even Martin Luther King Day cards next, but I should probably go to bed before I offend anyone else. I'll revisit this idea tomorrow. Perhaps I'll be less cynical and obnoxious in the morning and will come up with something that's actually worth publishing.

Truth is, right now I'm really just distracted by the fact that my little brother is in the same room as me playing the original "Oregon Trail" game. He just informed me that he lost five oxen fording a river and that Poopface The Third has dysentery. It's quite hard to take anything seriously when Poopface The Third has dysentery.

That's all I've got tonight. Over and out.


  1. Honestly, though. There are definitely worse valentine's day cards out there. Yours would definitely make my Valentine's day.

  2. Haha love those!

    This one is the most true to life ever: (Outside) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH (Inside) SO LET'S DO IT!


  3. I like your ideas. When your business takes off, could you please produce a special card for me? Well, a condolence card for my loved ones for when I pass on. I want the front to say "Tom met death today" and the inside "He is playing chess".

    What do you think?

    OMFG and maybe some Bowie themed ones, like "You're a star, man" and a series of good luck/congratulation cards for all the ch-ch-changes one goes through in life (new job, for example - not puberty).

  4. Haha! Tom, you are a genius. One Seventh Seal-esque sympathy card coming up!
    Also, I think the world really needs Bowie themed greeting cards. :D

  5. I loved playing Oregon Trail as a kid.

  6. It was pretty much the best game ever back in the day. :D

  7. You should definitely start writing Talk Like a Pirate Day cards. I would love to get one of those.


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