I Am Exactly The Person That I Want To Be

This is my theme song right now. I listen to it at least once every day, usually in the morning when I'm still waking up. It's very honest, empowering, and never fails to make me grin.

Don't tell anyone this, but I cried a little bit the first time I heard it. I'm not really a person that cries when listening to music,* but this song gets me. So I thought I'd share it with the big bad blogiverse. :)

Aaaand I think that's all I've got tonight. More interesting updates and stories to come, I promise. Also, I'm participating in a blog swap tomorrow, so expect an awesome guest post!

Peace out, amigos.

*Except for when I listen to David Bowie's "A Space Oddity" when I'm really sleep-deprived. Sometimes, thinking about Major Tom being lost in outer space is too much for me to handle.

Engaging Neurotic Writer Mode, Captain!

I suffer mornings most of all
I feel so powerless and small
By ten o’clock I’m back in bed
Fighting the jury in my head

- "Have To Drive" by Amanda Palmer

"Who Killed Amanda Palmer" has been playing on my iPod a lot over these last few days. Life is weird and overwhelming, but that's how it goes. Sometimes I feel stuck in the mud. Today was one of those days. I got up early, but by ten o'clock, yeah, I was back in bed.

I got out of bed eventually, of course. Went into town, got some coffee, read music magazines at the nearest bookstore. Did a lot of thinking. I think that sometimes I focus so much on trying to keep other people happy that I forget about what is important to me.

The day got better. I watched Wes Anderson's "The Darjeeling Limited" with my family tonight. I know I sound like such a cliche white person/film geek/hipster saying this, but that film makes me happy every time I watch it. I grin every time Adrian Brody runs past Bill Murray to catch the train (in slow motion!) before the opening credits. I laugh every time Jason Schwartzman maces Owen Wilson in the face ("I LOVE YOU BUT I'M GOING TO MACE YOU IN THE FACE! AHHHHHHH!"). I get hooked into the characters every time and am always smiling when that French song plays and the end credits roll.

I really want to write a script like that someday. I want to tell a story that people can get hooked into and find joy from again and again.

Writing is hard for me sometimes. I always have a million ideas rolling around in my head, but I have a hard time shaping them into something manageable. By the time I get my mind wrapped around some sort of plot, I become bored with the idea and move on.

I have had one idea floating around my brain for a little over a year though. It started out as just strange, late-night sketches in my journal and evolved into a full-length Broadway musical. I think it might be a good idea, but I really don't know. I need to be more disciplined. I need to devote time each day to working on it instead of just waiting for INSPIRATION. A lot of the songs are already written and all of the main characters are in place. I've even got a couple of scenes down. And a title - I have a title! "Goat Man Is All Alone Tonight (And So Am I): An Existential Rock Opera In The Key Of Despair." Might have to shorten it if it ever actually makes it to Broadway - that's a lot of put on a marquee.

Anyway, I have all of that. I just need a plot. And the discipline to write it. And confidence. Sometimes I second guess my ability to write something decent and then end up writing nothing.

Gah. Speaking of second guessing, I'm doing it right in this very moment. The concept of "Goat Man" is kind of out there. There's such a fine line between quirky and dumb. There's also a fine line between ingeniously funny and offensively strange. I feel like I may be in danger of crossing both of those lines with this.

But I guess I'll just go with it and see what I can come up with. It can't be worse than the 50 page stink bomb of a screenplay that's still saved on my hard drive from a couple years ago. "And Would You Like To Be Fried With That?" was the name of it. It was about some nerdy guy who worked at a fast food restaurant and spoke with a fake British accent. I think maybe the idea had potential but I jumped the shark with it pretty fast.

Anyway, I'm descending into rambling mode once again. Bed time for me. Goodnight, my darling blog friends.

Tin Foil Hats and Boy George

Yesterday I was digging through my hard drive looking for music to play at a wedding reception tomorrow. I ended up getting distracted by a folder full of old pictures. I'm sure everyone in this tinfoil hat photo would cringe severely if they knew it was still floating around the internet, but it was too amusing to keep to myself. It was taken circa freshman year of college during some bizarre b movie appreciation night I was hosting in my dorm room (my roommate conveniently left town every weekend). I'm the one with the glasses and the brown stripey shirt (I believe that was back when my hair was still blond/mullet-esque).

I know that in reality freshman year wasn't really that long ago, but now that college is over it almost seems like a completely distant past life. Everyone is busy getting married and landing "grown-up" jobs these days.

Speaking of marriage, the big wedding I'm playing at/DJing is tomorrow. See the young guy on the far left with the goofy smile? The one in the tin foil hat? No, not the one with the toilet paper tube, that's the guy with the self-appointed nickname of "Ninja." I'm talking about the guy sitting cross-legged on the floor next to the girl who looks a bit disgruntled (ironically, that girl just got married to the boy that has another girl on his lap). Anyway, see the guy I'm talking about? He's a good friend of mine as well as one of Original Sound Trash's biggest fans. And tomorrow, he gets married to another good friend/OST super-fan. They are completely perfect for each other and I'm happy to see them get married. But it's also driving home the fact that everyone around me is growing up.

Personally, I still feel about 14 years old, so watching my friends do really adult things is really bizarro (get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about working full time, getting married, etc.). Maybe I'm stuck in a prolonged state of adolescence or something, but I don't think I'll be ready to do any of that "grown-up" stuff for awhile.

I heard a song yesterday that does a good job of explaining how I feel. It's a song I've heard before, but yesterday these lines really stood out to me:

should i choose a noble occupation
if i did i’d only show up late and sick
and they would stare at me with hatred
plus my only natural talent’s wasted
- "my alcoholic friends" (the dresden dolls)

Amanda Palmer, you say it better than I can.

Anyway, I should probably wrap this up before it becomes totally uninteresting. In the spirit of this weekend, I leave you a clip from "The Wedding Singer."

Hopefully Ryan and I will sound a little better than that Boy George impersonator. ;)

Happy Friday, everyone!

If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out

I don't know what the future will bring. I am twenty-two and refuse to make very many long-term plans. I know that right now I want to travel and make music. I can't look very far beyond that though. Maybe in six months I'll want to have a job. Maybe I'll want to rent an apartment on the other side of town and stay up every night eating Captain Crunch and writing a screenplay. Maybe I'll want to put on my fur coat and move to Siberia. Who knows.

I do not know what the future will look like. Honestly, I don't want to know. I am okay with it being a mystery. It's exciting. It's full of opportunities.

When I was 17, I wanted to be a concert pianist. Horowitz 2.0, or something like that.

I told my piano teacher that I wanted to make music for a living. I thought he would probably be stoked. But instead he just took a bite of the big piece of meat that sat atop his fork (he always ate during lessons) and scrunched his brow. He probably said something in Yiddish when he was done chewing. I don't remember. But I do remember the words he said in English:

"Only pursue music if there's nothing else you can do to be happy. I don't recommend for people to be musicians. In fact, I tell them not to do it. It's not easy. It can be miserable. And it doesn't pay well. But if there's nothing else that makes you happy like music does, then go for it."

He then asked what other things I was thinking about doing with my life. "I like commercials," I say. "I'm thinking about going into advertising."

"Do you drink?" he says without even skipping a bit. I shake my head "no." "Well, you should start if you're going into advertising," he says.

That was the last time I ever thought about going into advertising.

Of course, that was not the last time I ever thought about music.

In fact, the more I explore other ideas and try out other options, the more I realize that music is really my bottom line. I may have a college degree in film, but music will always be my first love. Music is what makes me the happiest.

Music isn't everybody's bottom line. And if you can be happy doing something else and making real money off of it, more power to ya.

But, in the words of my old piano teacher, if there's nothing else that makes you happy like music does, then go for it.

I'm gonna try to go for it this summer.


I shall close with this video, courtesy of Amanda Palmer:



I think this is the most beautiful cover of this song in existence.

If you want to sing out, sing out. If you want to be free, be free. There are a million things to be. You know that there are.

Inspiration

Bleck. Not feeling like a rock star today. Am all congested and crampy and headache-tastic. No amount of Tylenol or cold medicine is making me feel like leaving my room. But I have to soon. I have to give a presentation tonight. It's a group presentation on a topic I have no interest in for a class that's required for graduation (this just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?). And tomorrow morning, I have an important meeting that I need to be not-sick for. I always get sick at the worst times.

I was in a pretty terrible mood last night. I left work early, got in my sweatpants, and devoted the evening to editing a boring video for the presentation I have to give tonight. I texted Steve but he was busy. I looked at the food in my cupboard and decided I didn't want to cook. I munched on a soda cracker. I refreshed my facebook page and discovered that one of my favourite artists, Amanda Palmer, has finally been dropped from her record label! She's been caught in a legal battle with them for a long time and finally won. To celebrate, she gave all of her fans a free song. The song was about doing whatever you want regardless of what people think, and it made me grin.

The download even came with a bundle of pictures of her and her friends recording it.

I'm going to sound like such a fan girl, but I officially love Amanda Palmer.

I could have gone to bed happy after the free song. But then I discovered that Amanda and friends were doing a live webcast to toast her freedom. So poured myself another glass of juice, got under my favourite blanket, and tuned in on UStream to watch Amanda Palmer, Sxip Shirley, and Jason Webley drinking wine and playing music on the other side of the country. They had to be quiet because they were at Amanda's parents' house in the suburbs, so they snuck outside and played "Love Will Tear Us Apart" in the woods. It was like The Blair Witch Project with a strange punk cabaret twist and it totally made my night.

This is why I love music. This is also why I love the Internet. But mostly, I just love music.

Artists like Amanda Palmer remind me why I love music so much. Her music is honest, witty, and generally just rocks. She's coming to town in May for her Evelyn Evelyn tour. Trash rock tour madness doesn't start till June, so I'll be able to go!

Not that I need to be spending money on shows right now, espeically after last weekend. But...it's Amanda Palmer!

And last weekend was Muse! Totally different creature than Amanda Palmer, but absolutely brilliant.

Actually, it may have just been the best concert I've ever been to.

Yes, better than the time my rock concert virginity was taken away by They Might Be Giants. Better than being pressed up against the stage at The Kooks or being punched in the arm at Apocalyptica. Possibly even better than being caught under a mushroom cloud of marijuana smoke with my mom at The Wailers last summer.

Those were all fantastic but this...this was MUSE.

This picture was taken with Steve's iphone. No zooming involved - we really were that close!

This is the expression I wore during most of the show:

I kinda look like I just peed my pants with excitement or something. I swear I didn't. But Muse blew my mind a little bit.

I left the show fantasizing about playing stadiums and doing big budget shows involving lights, fog, lasers, and moving platforms. I also spent too much time looking at keytars on ebay. I've always secretly thought they were cool, but when Matt Bellamy whipped one out during "Undisclosed Desires," it made me really want one.

Matt Bellamy, why do you have the ability to make everything you touch turn into sexiness?

I wish there was a universe in which it was at least semi-practical for me to buy a keytar at this point in my life...