The Coming Apocalypse...and IKEA

Today I went to IKEA.  I go there sometimes when I need furniture, Swedish meatballs, or sitcom material.  I swear that when you walk through the doors of IKEA, you walk into an alternate universe.  It's a place of magic and wonder.  A place of happiness and lingenberry juice.  A place where all of the books on the display shelves are entirely in Swedish and most of the male employees are not only very attractive, but very gay.  I could stay there for hours.  In fact, I think it's physically impossible to go there for less than an hour.  I think I was there for at least two this afternoon (in my defense, it's on the other side of town and I don't get to go very often).  I went in with the purpose of scouting out a new bed frame and ended up buying an area rug and a toilet brush.

Hey, it was a cute rug.  And how could I pass up a 99 cent toilet brush?

On another note, if and when the zombie apocalypse happens, I am totally making a run for IKEA.  It's like a small, stylistically furnished village.  Once inside, I would have everything I need and could live for days, maybe even months.  The amount of time I could survive in an IKEA all depends on how long the supply of meatballs lasts. 

Of course, there is the possibility that this sanctuary would be guarded by a small army of undead IKEA employees.  But the kitchen utensil department is generally full of things that I could use to kill zombies upon my arrival.  I bet I could smack a bunch of them in the head with a rolling pin.  Or maybe I could just recklessly hurl cutlery at them from across the floor. 

Okay, so nothing in my current personality suggests that I would be capable of such a bad ass, Kill Bill-esque move.  But I hear that zombie apocalypses bring out the best in people. 

With my luck, I would probably end up encountering zombies right next to the salad tongs, egg beaters, and whisks.  And then I would be stuck trying to take on a whole horde with my salad tongs of fury.  So uncool. 

I feel like this wasn't what I intended to write about when I sat down to write this post.  Ah well, it's never a bad time to think about the coming apocalypse, right?

That's all I've got tonight.  Over and out, comrades.