Things Are Getting Steamy Over Here...

Note: You are about to read an incredibly embarrassing account of something that happened today. Enter at your own risk.

Today it was announced that the hot water problem in my building has been fixed. Well, it's almost fixed. The hot water works now, but you have to let it run for at least ten minutes first. Naturally, I was skeptical. But I had spent the morning planting trees in the mud with my environmental activist friends and was in the mood for a hot shower. So I turned on the water, felt how cold it was, and let it run while I replied to a couple of emails. Then I went into the bathroom, shut the door, and got ready to take a shower.

The water was indeed HOT. It felt like Christmas! That shower hadn't been hot since the 22nd of December! I was so excited that I washed my hair twice. I stayed in the shower for a very long time and finally emerged feeling totally happy and refreshed. I dried off with a towel and went to open the bathroom door.

The bathroom door would not open.

Sometimes the door sticks a little bit, so I yanked on it like I normally do. But this was no ordinary case of sticky door syndrome. This door had managed to steam itself shut.

I spent several minutes pulling on the door handle. This was unsuccessful. I realized that the wood had expanded because of the steam (this is probably why so many people have bathroom fans...). Fortunately, my closet is in the bathroom, so I got dressed and tried to think things through strategically.

Being the slob that I am, I keep various dirty dishes on the window sill. Among these dishes was a knife I used to spread cream cheese on a bagel last week. I grabbed it, rinsed it off, and attempted to pry open the door with a butter knife. The door was so swollen that the knife wouldn't even fit in the crack.

I tried a few other odd utensils and eventually reverted back to just pulling on the door handle. No luck. It dawned on me that I should open the window to let some of the steam out, so I did that.

It was at this point that I realized that there was nothing else I could do. So I sat down and tried not to think about how powerless I currently felt. I painted my toe nails. I put on make-up. I even thought about cleaning a little bit, but then decided to check the door again.

The door was still stuck. I had been trapped in there for about a half an hour and was starting to get a little bit paranoid. What if the door never opened for me? What then? Sure, my neighbors love me, but if they don't see me in the kitchen they're just going to assume I'm locked away in my room on purpose, maybe frantically working on Goat Man and eating microwavable chicken pot pies. No one's going to come looking. How was I going to get out?

I started looking out the window, thinking that if I saw the right person taking a smoke break I would yell at them. The only person out there was Merry Christmas Forever Guy. I like him and I know he'd probably help me, but I don't know him well enough to yell at him from the third story window and tell him I'm stuck in my bathroom.

And even if I had been able to yell at him and get his attention, it wouldn't have done any good because the door to my apartment was locked. Someone would have had to pick the lock or call the building manager and then it would have been a big, embarrassing ordeal.

So I tried to wait it out. After I had been in there for a good 45 minutes, I vowed to break free once and for all. I yanked on the door like a crazy person for several minutes yet again.

Finally, the door flew opened and I was free after spending nearly an hour locked in my own damn bathroom. I felt like I had just lived through the ultimate neurotic single person's nightmare.

All I can say is this - I don't think I'm ever going to close that door again.

Aaaaaand that's all I've got for tonight. Peace.